Monday, February 04, 2008

Egg Credit Cards



48 hours after Egg withdrew accounts for over 160,000 Egg card account holders, I couldn't help noticing Egg's rather snide Credit Card advert remains as a constant annoyance on the television.
(You know? The one with the Dolphin and a voice-over attempting to be .... oh, I dunno - 'disparaging' I suppose, in a meant-to-be-jokey way about the Dolphin's tricks).

One can only assume that post-production, somewhere Egg's slickest babes (male & female) must have had this triumph of tele-visual marketing presented to them, rolled about laughing their socks off, and then gave the go-ahead for it's public consumption. Very strange.

The advert always struck me as odd and not having any point to it, my antennae twitched at it's first airing, and with each successive viewing its 'notrightness' never abates.

(Lucian Camp's blog here offers a stronger background to Egg's attitude).


The thing is - do you recall a TV Ad' last year ... two (what were they? Gerbils?) are in a cage decked-out as their living room whilst a bunch of white-coated clipboard carrying ... er ... boffins? watched them. Over the top the voice-over offers, in a faux French accent (why?) a message that these two small fluffy people were getting their finances sorted. Exactly how were doing this? By getting (another?) credit card.

If you hold on to any pretense of thought at all, the advert would have triggered as 'uneasy' response in you. There was no information. It didn't seem to have a reason for living. it was in such poor taste (not the animals - just the idea that this was humorous, or watchable at all).

So it seems that the advert that treated its viewers like idiots (and I truly mean this) in 2007, originated (or at least was sanctioned) by the company that treats its customers like shit.

The BBC reports on those naughty, naughty Egg customers who pay-off their C/Card bills in full each month - here

For 2008 then, we have proved at last that contrary to popular opinion - we CAN judge a gerbil by its colours.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Heavy Stuff

I visited my ex-wife's father in hospital the other week. It was fantastic to see him, and we shared the same delight in each other's company that we found 23 years ago. He remarked that the care-team had to do unbelievably horrible jobs; those things thrown away under title "Personal Care". In addition these same people are lifting, restraining, talking-around, cheering-up, dispensing (illegally), bathing, walking, feeding, singing-to/with, anyone and everyone (that's your Mum & dad and mine) who finds themselves unable to NOT GET OLDER.

Lets be brave here. There are some jobs (changing soiled beds, wiping soiled bottoms) that are done every minute of the day by (usually females) earning the National Minimum Wage.

Just like all (shall we say "jobs" ?) that allow non-qualified entry there is a fair share of hangers-on, can't be bothered (the "am I bothered?" types)and in addition an unjustifiable amount of unfair, unjust, thoughtless, painful, careless treatment dished out to most older people every minute of every day in just about every HOME up and down the UK.

Sprinkled amongst the above these is also (there would HAVE TO BE) a tranch of well-loved, caring, emotionally intelligent, hard-working carers who are THERE BECAUSE IT IS WHO THEY ARE. The natural carers of this world, making astonishing differences to the everyday lives of their charges. They are rare indeed, but worth at least TWICE the National minimum wage, and equal respect to any professional.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

More 4 X 4

I know, I know - it's been done and IS being done everyday.
I've said it myself even, (here).

My latest take on the 4X4 stuff:
They're too BIG - you can't see round or over them when one is alongside you, so have to WAIT for the 4X4 to go - so you can see if it's safe for YOU to go (sickening, isn't it?)

They're TOO WIDE - most lanes need space for cyclists inside and buzzing mopeds (you know - 14,000 revs, 200 decibels, 23 mph) outside, no hope if a 4X4 is sat there.

THEY WASTE AMAZING AMOUNTS OF FUEL - to ferry the determined looking, straight-haired blonde mother home from the school run, alone.

THEY'RE TOO TALL
The "Commanding Driving Position" (as advertised) also creates dazzle from their headlights when (heaven forbid) one is sat behind you.

Why W-I-D-E

I decided to replace my computer monitor recently, going for a flat screen 19".
It wasn't easy trying to find one that WASN'T a wide-screen version, all manner of salespeople - staring at me AGHAST with horror - is this man completely MAD?

You see, the 4:3 ratio (the "old" ratio - if you must) is perfectly suited to viewing ...... well, a PICTURE. There is no reason on God's earth to want to view things as if you're knelt in front of a letter box! Wide-screen might be cool in a cinema, necessary even, given that cinemas tend to be larger than living rooms - quite nice for looking at a Tibetan snow-strewn panorama ..... but for Eastenders? (whatever that is?).

NO, no no no. It's fashion again. Be honest now, is the picture better? Nicer somehow? Easier on the eye? No. It's worse. It's S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D, and the bigger the screen, the more ridiculous in today's modern home lounges.

What a shame - to phase out the perfect viewing ratio in the name of fashion, and to have (increasingly) everyday programs now shown in a format that distorts the picture.

These angry posts

You know, I've just read down this little lot - they're REALLY angry aren't they?

I can only apologise, it's ridiculous really - I think I was angry about .... oooooooh forty-thousand other things and took it out on the keyboard.

However, I stand by EVERY topic - all are valid, and many are topics taken-up some months later by a newspaper or radio discussion.

Funny, not angry at all - that.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Ferrero Rocher

Why do the seasonal Ferrero Rocher TV adverts all look like 1970's Bond movies?

TV & Radio Ad's - cannot bring themselves to say the word "POUNDS"

I've made a resolution. NEVER, EVER to buy anything from a retailer whose advert describes a price as "two-nine-nine" (instead of Two Hundred and ninety-nine POUNDS).

Invariably it appears to be same people who offer FANTASTIC OFFERS, like (this was COMET - in Jan 08) a product for £120 less than it was pre-sale (now 139, was 259).

Just how much blasted profit were they making pre-sale if they can AFFORD to reduce that profit by £120?

Unbelievable.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Red Elastic Bands

I wonder how much the Post Office spends on red Elastic bands per year?

Patio Heaters

It's warm inside isn't it?
Outside - it's also warm, until the sun goes down, or in Autumn and Winter months.
If it's cool or cold outside, logic dictates we don a jumper or coat.

That should, in all honesty be the end of the story ... if we seek to alter the natural order of things ... to fight with nature and the elements, (other than, merely building shelter) then we are plainly at odds with everything right, normal, natural and yes, perhaps ethical and moral too.

It seems to me that to use a machine to warm ..... (wait for it ....) THE OUTSIDE AIR then we have completely and utterly lost all sense of normality.

I don't care if you can afford Patio heaters around your decking (why have you Decking? Don't you like gardens?) ... SOME THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN PERSONAL CHOICE. Patio heaters use FUEL to WARM OUTSIDE AIR (in case you didn't realise?)
Patio heaters release emissions into the atmosphere (in case you didn't realise?) - why do the damn things exist at all?

Patio heaters are a fashion, a dreadful waste.
Patio heaters are an astonishingly direct, and beautifully clear manner of displaying just how stupid, fashion-led, transient, thoughtless and shallow so many people have become.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Pedestrian controlled traffic lights

I don't think it says anywhere in the law that you HAVE to press the WALK button.
I'm damn certain it doesn't say anywhere within the law that you CANNOT WALK ON RED.

........ but MILLIONS, DAILY, of UK inhabitants dutifully press the button and wait, in some sort of daze, for the beeps that tell them they're ALLOWED to CROSS.

Look left - nothing moving for 200m, look right - nothing in sight. What do they do?
THEY PRESS THE BLOODY BUTTON!

Cars use fossil fuels. Cars use fantastically more fossil fuel if they're stopping and starting, and/or accelerating.

Across high streets in every town and city, every few seconds - hundreds of thousands of times a day, a stream of cars is unnecessarily doing just that - slowing, changing-down, stopping, idling, accelerating away.

And what were they doing whilst they were at idle?

They were:
  • Watching absolutely NOTHING happen, because the button-presser 'noticed' a gap in the traffic just after pressing THE BUTTON, and had already crossed.
  • Watching absolutely NOTHING happen, because the button-presser did it FOR A JOKE.
  • Were sat in a single car, waiting for the lights to change again with NOTHING IN THE MIRROR, and NOTHING IN THE OPPOSITE LANE, waiting for a perfectly fit young person to saunter across, mobile 'phone stuck to his/her ear.
  • Were sat waiting for a CYCLIST to cross!
Now I know some roads SHRIEK "Pedestrian Lights". I know some people are less mobile, older, more hesitant. FINE.

That's just FINE.

But MOST are NOT.
MOST are just bloody thoughtless............... bring back the ZEBRA!




Tuesday, October 17, 2006

1976 - part 2 (Machines, machines ...)

"... On those nights the air tantalises
with its nameless promises ..."


To:
Nigel, Paul, Les, Kym, Dave B, Dave S, Jackie, Michelle, Maria (Misty), Penny, Helen

The larger machines brought with them increased stability, far superior braking (trying to brake a light-weight at speed you lost traction too soon, the heavier machines added some decent down-forces to the equation - far more bikers were killed on fast 250's than anything else in the 70's and early 80’s) but much more importantly - you didn't NEED to ride so fast on a machine that was OBVIOUSLY very fast. I guess it's a man thing.

Footpegs on these brutes were shaved down the edges by friction with the tarmac - heeling over at night, exposing acres of exhaust plumbing - the footpegs are the first items to ground-out, sending showers of sparks across the carriageway.

On those nights the air tantalises with its nameless promises, and the nearness of the Purbecks, and unlit highways beckon – the round-harbour run is about as much as you need for a minor home-time diversion between, say, the town centre and, er… Moordown. Believe me, these machines were time machines – something you’d never consider in four wheels– through mileage or time, becomes nothing – absolutely nothing, to a time-machine, a mere 20 minutes added to your journey.

So how do you stay alive on a vehicle capable of shifting from standstill to 80mph in less than four seconds? To be in your mid-to-late twenties aboard something that out-accelerates a Ferrari, with precious little protection and even less experience? Unless you’re blessed with unbelievable luck, you will almost certainly die.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is for highly illegal antics, not for pottering along in the traffic, or the occasional blind ‘though the middle’ stuff we all witness daily; this was the searing, weaving, screamingly accelerated time-shift biking that has all but left our roads today through cameras – but more, sheer volume of vehicles on our roads.

You evolve a multi-split focus, encompassing literally scores of constantly shifting variables:

(1) Foreground/split: Road-surface, engine noise, gear, tyre condition.
(2) Mid-ground: to say, 800m, immediate traffic (including intensely specific vehicle situation four-to-five cars ahead – if a vehicle so much as twitches a millimetre – four cars ahead – you’re alert), side-roads, pedestrians, surface condition changes, manhole covers, police.
(3) 800m to infinity – brake lights half a mile away (at these speeds you’ll BE THERE in a few seconds), bends, patterns of spacing (vehicles) proximity of side-road entrances, locality, police possibility (parked patrols), fast cars that might take-up the chase, weather. And, of course – alongside all this – the FEEL of your mount - its merest glimmer of oddity transmitting itself back to you as a full-scale emergency.

My God, you even get to recognise driving patterns from the time of day (evenings, older or customised vehicles – younger drivers = alcohol), day of the week (weekend drivers don’t possess the ‘flow experience’ of business day traffic and panic more quickly), locality (is this location known? Do the inhabitants expect traffic at this speed? Where are the local dangers?), type and age of vehicle (this always signifies the probable mindset of the driver), age/sex of driver (the females can be more aggressive – yet less skilled at keeping to lanes, judging braking distances) the males will ‘have a go’ but give-up sooner.
Road markings and signs don’t count (you can’t afford to see them at this speed) – it’s the curves and cambers that affect you, and TIMING. Those lights coming-up toward you (you’re on their side of the road), and THAT GAP 600 metres-up – calculations rip through your subconscious, as the wind tears at your visor, a ceaseless symphony of rising and falling notes against the tinted perspex.

The machine answers, four carbs suck in gaping lungfuls of air to mix with your fuel and four tailpipes howl in complaint, tyres scuffing in momentary blindness though a hasty shift-down or chain-lag causing a transitory rev-drift at a hasty shift-up. Sheer brutal pressure, as real as a dozen hands pummelling your chest as the beast accelerates through its own power-band, the scenery blurring, the wind now purely that of your own head-stream – you’ve entered the realms of time-shifter, everything a fraction lighter, now is mere light, shape and effortless motion. A gentle lean left – and a mile of tarmac vanishes – a lean right – and you’re starting to brake for the next village, half-a-mile,17 seconds of blurred light away, swinging with an almost audible THUMP back into focus as the machine lands back into real friction, real wind, the real world.

1976 and all that ...

"... shrieks and hoops of the riders
barely penetrating the engine noise ..."


To:
Nigel, Paul, Les, Kym, Dave B, Dave S, Jackie, Michelle, Maria (Misty), Penny

1975 onwards....
Tuesday nights downstairs at 'Longs' in Old Christchurch Road ... the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Thin Lizzy - at times you actually had to listen, and further-up the same road, later that decade a Cafe appeared - 'Chimneys' projecting B&W movies on the walls as we supped our early-hours coffees. Meeting times for this place always around midnight ie: after our respective evenings and outside, often the focus - The Bikes sat gleaming.

A hybrid bunch - not always content with the one identity, some of us closely shaved, elegant shirts, trousers and packed cigarette cases under the studded denim, leather and doss-rag; we'd use B'mth's discos (The Other Place, Bumbles, earlier on ... Chelsea Village, Maison Royale, Enfer) as much as the Biker bars, returning to the machinery in the early hours, sated by some female student's strawberry flavoured lipstick.

Some Saturday nights were truly amazing. On that millionaire peninsular now traded exclusively by either Estate Agents or Cafe Bars for the seriously heeled, the Haven Hotel once housed The Thumbscrew Bar - all decorative splendor playing host to the boys and girls who dared be there. 11pm - or nearer half-past - twenty + machines would fire-up and hurtle back along Panorama road. Alcohol-fuelled, the stunts down that glorious piece of tarmac defied gravity...sheer pace or unbelievable acceleration melded into a blur of streaming lights, riders only identifiable by the stud-patterns on their backs. These were very early days, we had to be content with our CB & CD 175's, GS250's, (I can't bring myself to mention the Fantic125 Chopper - surely the most ludicrous 55mph ever achieved) - one of the pack owned the first 100mph 250, the Kawasaki H250 'Hustler' - as skittish and unpredictable as the owner always seemed to be. On rare nights a huge black quad-potted beast would join the pack, four chromed tail-pipes shouting its superiority - the impossibly romantic Z900, the King. From Haven Point to Westover Road, B'mth (using the Westcliffe bends, of course) - about 5 miles of utter mayhem, shrieks and hoops of the riders barely penetrating the engine noise, then stacking the machines outside one of the cinemas - ready for the late showing of whatever. Saturday Nights!

Weekdays it had to be The (as was) Pinecliffe in Southbourne, a rock venue from the dawn of time, favourites for most: 'Freshly Laid', yet for me the sublime 'Gringo' fused Latin Rhythms with searing, soaring rock riffs (a la Santana - yet far more approachable ) long before we started to hear the mess that passes for the same this century.
Further afield The Alice Lisle, The Rising Sun, and in Everton a pub reached by surely one of the best pieces of road ever Biked at Midnight. - Now altered, smoothed-out and dumbed-down, the route from Everton back to Bournemouth - through Barton, Highcliffe, Mudeford, Southbourne - at first requiring intense concentration, reducing into a rolling motion lasting all the remaining miles, ' seemed like your steed would find the way should you not be able to.

In '76 both 'Hotel California' and 'A Night at the Opera' were released, confirming to us our choices - speaking to us as surely as if we'd penned the lyrics ourselves on the shores of Poole Harbour. We rented our own Hotel California - a ground-floor flat in a vast old mansion that used to occupy No.10 The Avenue, Branksome. A mesh screen door separated the immense lounge from the grounds, the bikes housed two-hundred metres away in garages on the very periphery of the gardens. Living the dream, this launching-pad toward experience was the backdrop for our emerging styles, our differences, our loves and our passing out of late teenage.

We evolved. GT380's,CB500's, GS750's - safer through their weight, and older pilots..................